Deutoronomy - Word Is Bond Like Glue.

We're on the fifth book of the bible. How did we get here? Uhhm, I'm no rocket scientist but I'm going to go with option A: logic. What's option B you ask? I have no idea. The transliteration for Deutoronomy in Hebrew is "second law". I have learnt this through extensive research and by that I mean typing in "Deutoronomy" in Google's search tab and using the esoteric art of hitting enter on the keyboard.

(In the voice of Jam Master Jay) "And it goes a little something like this"

The Isrealites walked through the desert for fourty years (which was normal back then because they didn't have Garmins but more importantly, Someone in the sky told them to do so). 

Shame, spare them a thought. Ok, stop it. You just spared them two. 

REMEMBER, gluttony is a sin! 

The book (of Deutoronomy) consists of three sermons or speeches delivered to the Israelites by Moses on the plains of Moab, shortly before they entered the Promised Land. This story sounds so familiar. Moses = ANC. Promised land = Democracy.*

The first (Eric) sermon was a summary of their travels, akin to 'Long To Freedom' without pictures. Man, if we could go back in time and tell them about Zapiro their minds would be blown away! 

The second sermon preaches two things.

One: The laws given by God should be followed comprehensively and

Two: (which comes after One, i sh*t you not) preaches exclusivity to one God which kinda makes sense. There's nothing worse than having multiple centres of power in any particular region. Don't believe me?

Look at Zimbabwe and the cast of Gossip Girls. Power sharing may look cool on paper but it is rarely successful due to its intrinsic bias towards those with the the most powerful position in the social hierarchy. 

I'm not sure about this supreme rule though, sounds somewhat autocratic or even authoritarian. Maybe even auto-shmatic. Apologies, that last word was unnecessary, I was just following the comic rule of 3.

Living in any environment that requires it's people to be subservient generally stifles progression as they are not afforded the opportunity to question their beliefs and attempt to pursue reformism.

I believe everyone should be able to choose a belief system whose values will allow them to become a genuinely better individual and a positive contributor towards society.

The third book offfers comfort to the travellers and encourages repentance.

Basically if you cock something up, you need not worry, you just have to apologise for it and your sins will be absolved. You see, the Truth & Reconciliation Commission was actually a borrowed concept. Moses is still waiting for that royalty cheque. 

My worry is that these types of proceedings don't bring about any serious form of justice but instead create the impression that it's acceptable to perform felonious acts on the premise that you apologise to the victim(s) and promise you won't do it again. Great idea on a kindergarten playground, not so effective in the real world. I'm no legal expert but white collar crime is a tad bit more serious that eating your classmate's crayons. I could be wrong. "Sorry Josh, my mom didn't pack me any lunch today". Don't worry about who Josh is, some of these stories are fictitious.

So, what's the point?

*Firstly, it's important to acknowledge the sacrifices that people have made on our behalf that allow us to enjoy certain liberties such as freedom of expression and the right to own land but they should not use these events as a constant bargaining chip to garner political support. Thanks for the freedom. By the way, did you fix those potholes? Thanks. Having said that, isn't that what you were elected to do?! 

Secondly, monotheistic religions are the most popular religions in the world and although you're encouraged to accept one belief system i think we should all attempt to find out more about other religions and review some of our own philosophies. It wouldn't hurt you to find out more about The Bible, The Kuran, The Torah, the views of atheism, agnosticism, traditionalism or anything in between. Let us not perpetuate the information asymmetry that allows society to dictate how we perceive those around us and creates a quagmire amongst the different citizen of our beautiful country. 

Yoh, there were a kak load of big words there!

Last and definitely least. We all need to be accountable for our actions. Take responsibility. Ensure that all the opportunities the you are awarded are on merit and use them to make a positive contribution to your community no matter how small the scale.

I believe in "one law". Do unto others as you want them to do unto you.

What laws do you believe in?

Numbers - Ooh, The Asian Kids Are Gonna Love This

Vodacom is red
Violets are blue
Is this gonna rhyme?
I couldn't be bothered
Suck my balls
In your face.

OK. OK. One rhyme then.

Politicians are mental
And chicken is tasty
Why does Nathaniel
Look oh so pasty?


Did you hear that? Shakespeare just rolled in his grave. I sense an Avbob slogan coming out of this.
What's funny about numbers you ask(which is a really presumptuous thing to say)? 

F***k all, but I promised all seven people who read this blog I'd write another one. 

Oh, wait. Make that eight, my mom just accidentally clicked on the link when it popped up in the "browser history". I hope I deleted all the links to those porn websites I visited. 

Don't judge me. It was for research purposes. You can only get away with the missionary position for so long. Ask the colonialists. Oh wait. 

They're dead too.

The book of Numbers tells the story of the Israelites over nearly forty years when they left mount Sinai until they reached the border of the "promised land". I was gonna read the whole book (of Numbers obviously) myself but the synopsis that I just cut and paste(d) from Wikipedia will suffice. 

At this point you're thinking I'm really lazy.
You're right.
[Now give yourself a chomp for coming to that conclusion all by yourself!]

Plus I've got a whole lot of episodes of Grey's Anatomy I need to catch up on. Not because i particularly enjoy the show, i just like having something to talk to women about.
Saying things like, "Oooh Mcsteamy. That's another name for a caffe latte right?" will get you thrown out of most slumber parties. Or so I hear.

For those of you who have no idea what the promised land is, it's because you probably live in a municipality run by the ANC, not to say that the DA are doing any better. I like to think of ALL political parties as canines marking their territory.
"They're always taking the piss"
Well, them and the "Reitz 4". If none of the aforementioned references are ringing a bell, It's probably because you think newspapers are only for wrapping your fish and chips as opposed to reading.
LOW BLOW!
Are you gonna be a tattle and report this blog? No one likes a tattle tale, ask Jackie Selebi.

OUR struggle was fought over many years with democracy being OUR promised land. I'm using the word OUR very loosely. I have yet to throw a petrol bomb at anyone, Unless you count the last time I poured petrol over a braai stand and nearly burnt the house down. In my defence, everyone was really hungry and we could not wait a minute longer. I'm no political science major (because i decide to study a degree that would allow me to obtain novel things like money) but I can tell that we need a change. Not in that Barack Obama kinda way either,there's nothing worse than a Zulu president with a twang. Nah mean my niyikha. Sies, I used the "n word".
The will of the people should be the will of the government.
(See what I did with the colours there? Huh? Huh?)
That is true democracy.

We want
-closed toilets
-roads without potholes
-protection from the police
-accountable councillors
-free take 5s at first break
-access to hospitals
-less propaganda on the news
-delicious b****es(wait, that's one's just for me)

AND
WE WANT TO BE HEARD, NOT A HERD. - T Boz MaBheki (former president of the made up quotes commission)

On the 18th of May we all need to make our way to the polls In Our NUMBERS
and put who we see fit to deliver basic services(and more) in power. Having said that, don't waste your vote on AZAPO, The ACDP or The Kiss Party. That's like Manchester United trying to sign Jabu Pule. It's tempting but we know it's not gonna end well.
Do the right thing and exercise your democratic right to vote. It'll cost you less money and pain than trying to vote for your favourite house mate on Big Brother Africa. That show is properly shite. Apologies. I digress.
Go Vote.
Good bye my angels.
xoxo


Mojak Lehoko is member of the We Don't Have Better Sh*t To Do Than Write Really Annoying Things On The Interweb Association also know as WDHDBSTDTWRATOTIA.

He has a certified degree in journalism purchased at Bree taxi rank last Tuesday. The degree came with penis enlargement herbs hence his use of BIG words that he doesnt't understand and the phrase "It's a hard knob life!"

Leviticus - Ooh, Latin.

In life we are governed by many rules and practice various rituals. 

Some 

(being a word that implicitly states that I couldn't be bothered to research this topic) 

make sense whilst others are completely perplexing. 

Man I'm good at being ambiguous.

The truth is, sometimes I don't want to say "well done" to a friend who has finished a race in 6th place, 

yet I'm compelled to do so because it's polite but more importantly, they're probably giving me a lift home. 

Unlike television shows such as 'Coca Cola Pop Stars', I don't think it's okay to encourage mediocrity.

Unless we're talking about my ability in the sack(which is the exception rather than the rule).

The way we react to certain situations is governed by social norms.

Don't believe me?! 

Gentlemen

(which is a term I'm using very loosely because some of you reading this are man skanks *trademark pending*).

Have you ever been completely honest about your intentions to a woman 

(I say woman assuming the ID policy at Vacca Matta is enforced properly) . 

OF COURSE NOT!

Why?! Because no woman wants to hear 

"I think your friend is hotter but you seem more eager. So, another Brutal Fruit?"

That scenario seemed a bit too close to home. 

Men have to be coached to answer certain questions in a particular manner and we STILL find ways of f***ing it up. 

In retrospect, using profanity in that last line was unnecessary. In my defense, I couldn't give a sh*t.

 Where were we? if you must know, probably reading this off a Blackberry in South Africa.

Know thy audience Mo! Know thy audience.

There is always that ticking time-bomb that surfaces 

like a Legoa/Snotkop album when you least expect it. 

"Do these jeans make me look fat?" 

Here are a few suggested answers:

1. NO............ All your clothing has that effect.

2. I told you to have the ladies portion of ribs last night.

3.1. I don't care how you look..............

3.2  ........because this probably isn't going to last anyway

4. If you're still reading these suggestions you're a d***. 

Wow. I just realised why I was single for so long.

The unfortunate thing about society is that people who do not find themselves following the maxim (which is a real word) are seen as apathetic and cold-hearted which is not always the case. I'm not encouraging you to be harshly critical of everyone and everything you encounter but creating a society of delusional and narcissistic individuals is not the way to go either.

If a friend of yours is not pulling their weight at varsity or at work, you should be ballsy enough to tell them.

 I understand the occasional white lie like "oppression was just an illusion" (just jokes my vanilla cake homies) but we owe it to ourselves to be honest to each other.

Is this beginning to sound preachy? 

Perhaps now would be a good time to pull out the collection basket. 

Aah, for f*** sake. 

Who put all these coins in here?!

We also have a machine to swipe by the way.

The third book of the Bible is called Leviticus. It contains laws and priestly rituals.

Do you know how old this book is?

 Are these laws still relevant?

Are society's unwritten laws still relevant? 

......................

The ellipsis above was a sign for you to start thinking for yourself and asking your own questions.

That old law about 'an eye for an eye' leaves everybody blind. The time is always right to do the right thing.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

XOXO 

PS.

If you can read this....... 

THEN YOU CAN READ! 

 Wow, I just realised why i haven't been awarded the tender to print bumper stickers.

[NOTICE]

If you find any of the aforementioned content offensive please write to your senator, counselour, mayor, principal, guidance teacher or agony aunt at

Number 8

Who the f*** still using snail mail in 2011 street

IgnorantVille

P.O. Box

2145 

Ta

Whatever Comes After Genesis!

Comments & Analysis:
 

Some of you felt the last post was too
short so I will supplement it with an
appendix: which just like the one in
your anatomy doesn't do sh*t.
Ooh! Wordplay.
Moving along.

[INSERT EPIC TITLE  

WHICH  ALLUDES TO THE PROCEEDING TOPIC OF DISCUSSION
WHILST STILL KEEPING THE READER IN SUSPENSE,  

WITHOUT THEM REALIZING THAT THEY WILL SOON LOSE INTEREST
HERE]
or
EXODUS
What is an exodus? It can be defined as a mass departure of people. It is commonly seen at packed night clubs, mostly when DJs play a Danny K song and the crowd collectively thinks,
"F*** this, let's get out of here. We'd rather be at home watching that episode of Muvhango we PVRed 4 months ago."

For those of you who are religiously inclined, you will know it/Exodus as the second book of the King James Bible. The one written by Lebron "King" James (of the Miami Heat) to be exact. A book which inspired me to live my life like there were only 3 second left on the shot clock. The best 3 seconds of your life ladies ;-)

Here's one of my favourite clichéd Quotes from this great book;

"Alley oop onto other as you want them to alley oop unto you".


A book so good, that no one has even
considered writing a sequel. Having said, you shouldn't
mess with a good thing.
We all know that there are only so
many times that you can "Meet The Fockers"
before you tell them to Focker off out of your life.

Wait, what this post about again. Oh yes, exodus. A few years ago, various members of the ANC decided to form their own political called COPE.
COPE being the acronym for Children Obstructing Political Evolution.
Someone had to prove Darwin wrong.
Once these revolutionaries had left the clutches of their tyrannous leaders at the ANC they were greeted with, aaah for f*** sakes, MORE tyrannous leadership.

So my minions, what is the moral of the story?

It's simple really.
No social movement (such as COPE or otherwise) can grow or prosper when it's sole purpose is to destroy it's contemporaries.
Everything you do should be fueled by positive energy.

Let us all unite for one common cause and be leaders of the new exodus!

 

if you are still not impressed by the contents of this piece, email me at
@yourmomisnext.com

Hugs and Kisses bitches.

Genesis

Hi. Don't say hi back. Talking to a machine is mental. 

This is officially my first post. This blog will contain my ramblings but more importantly innumerable amounts of information that will not change your life in any way. Think of it as "Jika Jika meets Selimatunzi: The Pantomime". I've always wanted to be a world renowned writer but my parents have always encouraged me to get a "real job" so I have resorted to this instead. Blogs are cool, because unlike bbm, I'll never know whether anyone has read this or not. I would like you to travel with me on this epic journey where we, and by we, I mean I, will analyse the state of our nation through various analogies. 

Fear not my minions, future post will actually be interesting.

I would like to end off by telling you that you've just wasted 43 seconds of your life by reading this, 65 if you went to a government school and 123 if you went through Bantu education.

Ta. Till the next webisode.

BY THE WAY:

If you have any suggestion on future posts, please mail me @suckmyballs.com.