Joshua Realises That The Subscriber You Have Dialled is Not Available

Why did I sign up for this?

We're on the 6th book. The Book of Joshua. A story of the Israelites entry into the promised land. This is not a figurative "promised land" akin to a pubescent student seeking to lose his virginity to a sexy math teacher.  Yes - I just compared a biblical story to the plotline of a teen movie.

it's the actual promised land. In fact, it even has a name. Canaan. If you think I spelt Canaan incorrectly, you're an idiot who listened to the song "Waving Flag" way too many times.

Joshua (no Doore) forms part of the biblical history of the emergence of Israel which begins with the exodus of the Israelites from slavery in Egypt. What does this book have to do with what I'm about to describe? Not much but I have tied myself down ,creatively speaking, A bit like the team of writers on Generations & that TV show NO ONE watches 4play - Sex Tips For Girls, to this biblical prologue writing format. The way I see it,  people who hold cellphone contracts are slaves to their network provider's excessive tariffs and hidden clauses pertaining to cancellations of contracts and a bunch of other big words that aren't in my lexicon. I'm probably being melodramatic, two years of consumer enslavement isn't that bad. 

What Da Problem Is?

My gripe is that the cellphone networks take their clientelle for granted, ASSumin that the consumer's patronage and loyalty are unwavering. They need to calm down. Even a crack-head can go to a different dealer if the product "ain't right suhn!". Perhaps therein lies the problem? With a market that lacks any form of competition and thrives on inelastic demand we will remain to be exploited like crack addicts by the few who make up the oligarchy. I'm not going to mention any names but you know who I'm talking about. The red and yellow networks and cell what what... I fear that the last statement may be too cryptic. In that case, I'm referring to Vodacom, MTN and Cell C.

Each of these telecommunications giants would fall if the masses, who purchase their state of the art Nokia 3310s and R5 mpesa vouchers, decided to no longer buy into their exploitive practices. This is easier said than done as access to alternative modes of communication are few and far between. For instance, access to smoke signals is on the decline due to hippies' concern on the status of the environment and the pressing issue of global warming. I bet if rhinos were being charged these exorbitant rates to merely make phone calls there would be an outcry from the middle and elite sectors of our populace. Am I suggesting a boycott and not paying your debit orders? Not. A. Fuck. I don't know about you but I could not live a day without access to the internet and the megabytes of emails about cute cats who can play the piano courtesy of work colleagues who have nothing better to do. Also, you know what they say. "Once you go black(listed), you never go back" [1]

What Do I Suggest My Babies?

We need cellphone companies to provide the masses with affordable access to the interweb. How the fuck can email and internet browsing be a thing of mythology in 2012? There are communities in South Africa where the sighting of a tokoloshe is more common practice than a PDF file. Perhaps this is the symptom of a country where corporate interest and social responsibility do not see eye to eye like Bonang & Euphonic at the Selimatunzi awards. A symptom of a society that has become accustomed to mediocrity, poor service delivery and has now lowered it's expectations. In case you didn't know, that last statement was about Pitso Mosimane and the performance of Bafana Bafana. How dare a coach so KAAAAAAAAAAAK take SAFA to the CCMA?

We need to express our dissatisfaction.

Once we are recognised as more than just a Puk number and a tarriff plan, major organisations will heed the calls, (ooh wordplay), of their customers. Don't be afraid to let your feelings be known otherwise these companies will continue to behave like they've brought fire to the caveman and that they're providing you with first world services that you should be grateful for. Let us as customers of these major corporations take the first step to our promised land, Canaan, which comes with free text messages, free wifi or at least affordable data plans. This isn't farfetched my babies.  You can get Unlimited minutes in The US with AT&T for $69/pm, what's stopping us?

Appendix

Some of you may agree with my sentiments. Others may not. If you classify yourself under the latter, you're probably a bloody agent or just plain rich. Either way, tsek!

-Written by Prof Mojakson Lehook  PHD (Player Hater Degree) 

and a bunch of other pieces of paper that don't mean shit.

[1] This quote is taken for a genleman who goes by the Name Mr. National Credit Act.

All photos are used courtesy of www.freedigitalphotos.net

Deutoronomy - Word Is Bond Like Glue.

We're on the fifth book of the bible. How did we get here? Uhhm, I'm no rocket scientist but I'm going to go with option A: logic. What's option B you ask? I have no idea. The transliteration for Deutoronomy in Hebrew is "second law". I have learnt this through extensive research and by that I mean typing in "Deutoronomy" in Google's search tab and using the esoteric art of hitting enter on the keyboard.

(In the voice of Jam Master Jay) "And it goes a little something like this"

The Isrealites walked through the desert for fourty years (which was normal back then because they didn't have Garmins but more importantly, Someone in the sky told them to do so). 

Shame, spare them a thought. Ok, stop it. You just spared them two. 

REMEMBER, gluttony is a sin! 

The book (of Deutoronomy) consists of three sermons or speeches delivered to the Israelites by Moses on the plains of Moab, shortly before they entered the Promised Land. This story sounds so familiar. Moses = ANC. Promised land = Democracy.*

The first (Eric) sermon was a summary of their travels, akin to 'Long To Freedom' without pictures. Man, if we could go back in time and tell them about Zapiro their minds would be blown away! 

The second sermon preaches two things.

One: The laws given by God should be followed comprehensively and

Two: (which comes after One, i sh*t you not) preaches exclusivity to one God which kinda makes sense. There's nothing worse than having multiple centres of power in any particular region. Don't believe me?

Look at Zimbabwe and the cast of Gossip Girls. Power sharing may look cool on paper but it is rarely successful due to its intrinsic bias towards those with the the most powerful position in the social hierarchy. 

I'm not sure about this supreme rule though, sounds somewhat autocratic or even authoritarian. Maybe even auto-shmatic. Apologies, that last word was unnecessary, I was just following the comic rule of 3.

Living in any environment that requires it's people to be subservient generally stifles progression as they are not afforded the opportunity to question their beliefs and attempt to pursue reformism.

I believe everyone should be able to choose a belief system whose values will allow them to become a genuinely better individual and a positive contributor towards society.

The third book offfers comfort to the travellers and encourages repentance.

Basically if you cock something up, you need not worry, you just have to apologise for it and your sins will be absolved. You see, the Truth & Reconciliation Commission was actually a borrowed concept. Moses is still waiting for that royalty cheque. 

My worry is that these types of proceedings don't bring about any serious form of justice but instead create the impression that it's acceptable to perform felonious acts on the premise that you apologise to the victim(s) and promise you won't do it again. Great idea on a kindergarten playground, not so effective in the real world. I'm no legal expert but white collar crime is a tad bit more serious that eating your classmate's crayons. I could be wrong. "Sorry Josh, my mom didn't pack me any lunch today". Don't worry about who Josh is, some of these stories are fictitious.

So, what's the point?

*Firstly, it's important to acknowledge the sacrifices that people have made on our behalf that allow us to enjoy certain liberties such as freedom of expression and the right to own land but they should not use these events as a constant bargaining chip to garner political support. Thanks for the freedom. By the way, did you fix those potholes? Thanks. Having said that, isn't that what you were elected to do?! 

Secondly, monotheistic religions are the most popular religions in the world and although you're encouraged to accept one belief system i think we should all attempt to find out more about other religions and review some of our own philosophies. It wouldn't hurt you to find out more about The Bible, The Kuran, The Torah, the views of atheism, agnosticism, traditionalism or anything in between. Let us not perpetuate the information asymmetry that allows society to dictate how we perceive those around us and creates a quagmire amongst the different citizen of our beautiful country. 

Yoh, there were a kak load of big words there!

Last and definitely least. We all need to be accountable for our actions. Take responsibility. Ensure that all the opportunities the you are awarded are on merit and use them to make a positive contribution to your community no matter how small the scale.

I believe in "one law". Do unto others as you want them to do unto you.

What laws do you believe in?